The CLUAS Archive: 1998 - 2011

19

Your blogger has just become the CLUAS War Correspondent (Paris).

With sickening inevitability, Ireland have been drawn to play France in the World Cup qualifying play-off, which leaves us deep in enemy territory. Our local baker insists to us that he has no croissants left, despite the smell of freshly-baked bread. The metro won't stop for us, just speeding by the platform as the driver cackles madly. And waiters are even more obnoxious than usual, taking our order with a sneery 'Fais chier, putain d'irlandais!'

Mindful of our prestigious position as your representative in France, your War Corr. (P.) will not descend to their level, though we're no longer tipping the waiters.

This blog has featured French football on many occasions. Just last week we told you about a song of love for irritating French coach Raymond Domenech - 'Je Kiffe Raymond' by Catherine Ringer (that's "ran-jay" to you), singer with Les Rita Mitsouko. The title is a slang way of saying "J'aime Raymond" ("I Love Raymond"), not a phrase ever used by a good 99% of French people.

Still, we can learn from this so start practising: "zhe keef Trap"; "zhe keef le Duffer" and (if you're feeling controversial) "zhe keef Andy Reid avec la grande derriere. Où est Andy Reid?"

What can you expect French fans to be singing in Croke Park on 14 November? Fortunately, there won't be any of the PSG ultras with their bizarre mix of stiff-arm salutes and the drum roll from 'Bolero'. Your ordinary Jacques le Frenchman will be singing 'La Marseillaise' before, during and after the match so you'll need a bit more than a half-hearted "shinnafeenafall" to match that. As we explained here, in remembrance of France's 1998 World Cup win you'll hear a chorus of the trumpet break from the Hermes House Band's cover of 'I Will Survive'. (In the same style, the riff from 'Seven Nation Army' also gets sung.)

As for chants, a favourite is "Qui ne saute pas n'est pas Français! Hey!" ("Whoever doesn't jump isn't French! Hey!", sung while bouncing up and down.) Should the worst happen and we ship three goals at Croker, our visitors will celebrate with "Et un, et deux, et trois-zéro!" Win, lose or draw there'll be plenty of "Domenech, démissione!" ("Domenech, resign!")

As we said, we won't lower ourselves to snide and uncharitable attacks on France and its football community. On a completely unrelated note, here are former Marseille duo Chris Waddle and Basile Boli with their single 'We've Got A Feeling'. Incredibly, the video is even more cringeworthy than the song: 

 


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Nuggets from our archive

1999 - 'The eMusic Market', written by Gordon McConnell it focuses on how the internet could change the music industry. Boy was he on the money, years before any of us had heard of an iPod or of Napster.