Bandalism! the Book - CLUAS Irish Indie Music

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Last Post 7/31/2007 2:50 AM by muzak

Bandalism! the Book

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muzak

Basic Member
Posts:112

7/20/2007 8:50 AM
Heard about this book this morning on Edel's show on Phantom - she was interviewing the writer and he seemed quite funny and clued in. There are excerpts here - www.myspace.com/bandalism - I've ordered a copy so I'll post again if its good. There are some very funny excerpts on the myspace page - the one below really reminds me of some of the 'musicians wanted' ads on Cluas.... Most musicians wanted adverts sound very, very boring indeed. And when they don't they sound desperate. Sprinkled with a handful of bleakly echoing exclamation marks or peppered with pushy rhetoric – "must be committed", "Must have ambition", "no timewasters". Aaaagggggh! GO AWAY! It's not f**king sport! It's not like you're paying anything either. No wonder the last drummer left you if this is what you're like all the time. No. NO. NO! They use words like 'dedicated' and 'versatile'. No one uses words like that about music. Not even Sting. And would you want to be in a band with people who actually did? Then there are the lies. "Major label interest" means anything from "the guitarist's sister used to know a bloke who worked at Warners" to "we emailed a link to our myspace page unsolicited to three A&R men and got an out of office auto-reply from one of them". It does not mean that a major record company is interested in signing this band. It never means that. While "Single deal!" means that the band have had 100 CDs made and nearly got one stocked in the Rough Trade shop. 'Nearly' in the sense that they haven't actually asked yet because it's always the scary bloke working there when they go in and they don't dare. And we all know it. Great potential members aren't taken in by the patter. They just don't call. If they're really sensible, they weren't even reading. And what about the desperation. "Gigs waiting". So why did you bother booking them when you hadn't actually got the band together yet? Surely they will be terrible. "Band with no dignity or professional standards require like-minded no-hoper to go through the indie/rock/pop motions with them in front of three of their bored friends on a rainy Tuesday night every month or so. No memorable songs or ideas. Influences: stuff from about three years ago and doomed self-delusion." So what does all this mean? That the only thing worth saying in one of these ads is "Drummer wanted. No Twats. Call if you're interested and we'll go for a drink or something." In other words, the only thing you can realistically try and get from a musicians wanted ad is someone who plays the right instrument. Which is the quickest way to form a rubbish and pointless band.

PARTON

Basic Member
Posts:188

7/20/2007 8:54 AM
We’re looking for a male multi-instrumentalist to join our current line-up. We are a female fronted 3 piece rock band, based in Dublin, aged 27-30. You can read our biog and listen to our music on our website/myspace page: www.laurenguillery.com REQUIREMENTS: • You must be good at playing the guitar. By ‘good’ I meant at least better than me. Our reason for looking for a 4th member is that I would like to add extra instruments to our typical guitar/bass/drums line-up. I am willing to let the new musician play the main guitar from time to time so I can concentrate on my singing and also make use of other instruments – shakers, tambourine etc while on stage. You will have the ability to use different types of effect pedals, including delay. We don’t do cheesy solos so forget about it right off if you’re just a lead guitarist. • You will have the ability to play another instrument well. By ‘another instrument’, I don’t include bass nor drums, as we’ve a bass player and a drummer already. By extra instrument, I mean keyboards (which you are in possession off) or percussions of all sorts. We’re open to suggestions as to which instrument you will bring to the music. If you excel at computer programming, that would be an option also. • You can sing well, and while playing your instrument. • Your priority number ONE has got to be music. If you have a demanding job/girlfriend/wife/mother/dog, it’s bad news. • You must be available to rehearse at least twice a week (evening time mostly, unless weekends) and you can afford rehearsal time. • You know what good music should sound like, are a creative person and know what the music business is about, including the Irish music scene. • You have been in bands before, have gigging experience, and you look good on stage. • You’re easy to get along with and have a broad range of music tastes. • You must be willing to get involved with the band’s promo/advertising until the right band manager comes along, and you must also be available to attend radio interviews from time to time. If NONE of the above has put you off, you might be the person we need. Contact me at spicylauren@gmail.com. No PMs please. No time waters please. Ta, Lauren like that above?

muzak

Basic Member
Posts:112

7/20/2007 8:55 AM
Uncanny, isn't it?

dermot_trellis

New Member
Posts:69

7/20/2007 9:08 AM
That looks like a f***ing job application advert.. Surely just stating the required instrument(s) and listing a few influences or otherwise giving the flavour of what the music is about should be enough? I know I'd run a mile if confronted with a lengthy bullet-point list of requirements that looks like you're going for a project manager executive position at a financial company or something.. Anything career minded (a la "you must know the industry") in these kinds of listings is always a huge turnoff - is this band going to try to make good music, be creative, have fun etc or is it a wage machine?

PARTON

Basic Member
Posts:188

7/20/2007 9:17 AM
absolutely dermot, couldnt agree more...its like a fund managers app....

Peejay

Basic Member
Posts:340

7/20/2007 10:44 AM
Not much has changed. Here's a wanted ad from 1976: Wanted: - Lead singer with far-reaching socio-political objectives to influence economic agendas worldwide, no timewasters! Strong vocals and tallness not necessary. Own mullet supplied is a bonus. - Guitarist who has more effects-boxes than talent and can play one-note guitar solos multiplied into oblivion by delay, phasers etc. Ability or imagination is NOT required. Must wear hats. - Bass player who occassionally hits the right note, doesn't talk unless spoken to and just generally fades into the neon 60ft videoscreen background. A personality is optional, but not required. - High profile gigs already booked (St Fintans), stupid nicknames are a MUST Influences are Joy Division, the Clash and whatever else Larry Gogans been playing. - Already secured major label interest (BP Fallon wrote my name down on the back of his hand) If you fit the bill, contact Larry from Artane. I will be playing drums and just generally being the outspoken leader of this band, dubbed "Larry and the Others"

Peejay

Basic Member
Posts:340

7/20/2007 11:13 AM
Here's one from 1968: How-ay'z. You know that black fella you sometimes see around Dublin? Thats me! My names Phil and Im putting a band together. I've got the trousers, have you got the talent? I'm seeking a constant drummer and a number of revolving door guitarists with a wide variety of hairstyles. I myself will be playing the bass (I hear they're great things) and writing songs. For instance I have just written a terrific song called Old Town which is just begging for some trumpet and synthesizer...assuming someone will invent one first. But don't get me wrong, I plan to rock the hell out of Dublin with this new band, maybe even Kildare and Bray too. So if you think you've got what it takes, then you'll probably find me at the No.5 on Harcourt St, or maybe Bruxelles, but you usually wouldn't catch me dead around that place. Dedication and strong-liver a must.

Peejay

Basic Member
Posts:340

7/20/2007 12:06 PM
Blonde headed guitarist (depressed) seeks drummer and bass player for exciting new genre…I mean band. I found that combining my love of Mudhoney and Abba I have a fresh new sound that I've cleverly dubbed 'grunge'. To bring this vision to fruition (by the way, that’s the way I talk, Im from Washington) I need a bass player no shorter than 6'2" and a drummer no dorkier than Alanis Morissette. Me and my repressed teen angst will do the rest. Full commitment not necessary, this kind of gimmick will probably only have a three year shelf-life anyway. Send applications to Mr K Cobain, Underneath the bridge, Seattle. P.S Unpronouncable surnames are a bonus. As Axl Rose would say, Rock On!

Peejay

Basic Member
Posts:340

7/20/2007 12:06 PM
(ok, I'll stop)

aidan

Advanced Member
Posts:638

7/21/2007 8:03 AM
I thought the Lauren Guillery ad was funny, actually (in an intentional way, I mean). But that might just be me sticking up for the French-people-in-Dublin. Peejay, you could make your own book!

muzak

Basic Member
Posts:112

7/27/2007 5:07 AM
OK, just finished this. Took me two days (probably could've read it in one if I didn't have anything else to do). What can I say, its quite funny and inciteful but ultimately disposable. And it suffers from the fact (by his own admission) that the author was in a number of terribly unsuccesful bands, so large sections of the book are based purely on speculation / hearsay / out-and-out stereotyping / stuff he's read in Mojo. For instance the section on getting a Recording Contract - he just says 'I'm not going to tell you how to do this' - presumably because he was never in a band that got signed by anyone. He then skips glibly into how to survive your first world tour, how not to record a terrible second album, what to do when the band is over etc etc. It makes for an amusing read, but I would love to read a version of this book by somoeone who has actually gone through it all (i.e. has actually recorded and released at least one album and undergone at least one world tour). The best stuff in this book deals with the agonies of trying to get a band together in the first place, which is clearly written from hard experience. 5/10.

Lauren

New Member
Posts:27

7/30/2007 5:36 AM
Hey hey, just noticed this thread and since the ad I posted is mentioned I shall give a bit of an explanation as to why I wrote it this way I know the ad I posted might have put a lot of people off and I know that it indeed sounded like a job spec. The reason behind this is because I strongly believe in what I do and I want to get the best out of it. There is no point in wasting time with people who dont have the same frame of mind as yours when it comes to music. I have fun playing music and I want to make a living out of it if at all possible. I've been looking for band members a long time now. Over the past 2 years I auditioned about ten bass players and a good dozen drummers... I can assure you that it's been a very tough job and I wasted a lot of time / energy / money doing so. Auditions are not easy. You meet a person for an hour. In an hour you get to realise if you're going to gel with that person, if he/she is a good musician, if his / her priorities are what your priorities are. On many occasions I had people turning up for a jam who couldn't play their bloody instrument! Some of them didn't even bother showing up even though I had booked a rehearsal room just for them. Some replied to ads not mentioning that they were 16 years of age... One guy started his email like by 'Hello Lauren, Dont know why i am emailing you, since i probably cannot fulfil your extra member needs' etc etc - Fine then mister, if ya don't know why you're applying then neither do I!! I am very happy with the rhythm section I have now. It's been hard work to find the lads but things are going great for us. We know what we want, work very hard at it and have a lot of fun doing so too. There's nothing more fulfilling than a dozen strangers coming up to you after you play a gig and telling you they thought you were fantastic on that stage! After posting the ad looking for a multi-instrumentalist, I got a bit of interest - say about ten emails from people... I tried 2 guys out and it was a let down... Not good enough... More time wasted me. I rather write music than auditioning people every night of the week when I could be writing music instead. Gonna stop the rant cos getting p*issed off now but all I wanted to clear here was that, yes the ad posted was VERY pointy and sounded like a job offer but since I want to make a career out of it I might as well go for the best musicians I can find - after all, music is a business and if we can make money out of our talent while still having fun with like minded people, we might as well do so! Byebye Lauren

aidan

Advanced Member
Posts:638

7/30/2007 7:03 AM
Lauren, it's a shame to hear that you only got time-wasters despite all your effort (I thought it was a cool ad, BTW)! I mentioned your ad (and you) in a post on my blog recently - good luck with your music!

muzak

Basic Member
Posts:112

7/31/2007 2:50 AM
Anyhoo....... anyone read the book?

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